It’s All Uphill From Here

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Having anointed my Jones as this year’s Vacationcycle, today I took a ride on my A. Homer Hilsen to remind myself what I’ll be missing:

 

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The free piece of exercise equipment nobody wants is a common sight in suburbia, and it’s especially ironic here as the house to which this elliptical once belonged is situated on a rather steep hill:

You might think that, rather than purchase an elliptical in the first place, a hill-dweller in search of physical fitness might have hit upon the solution of simply stepping outside and walking up and down the hill on a regular basis. However, it wouldn’t surprise me if the people who live on this hill almost never walk up and down it and instead use the car,* thus necessitating strange indoor furniture that replicates the act of walking. Of course, it’s entirely possible that they have hit upon this solution, which would explain why they’re ditching the elliptical, but it’s far more likely they’re doing so because they got a Peloton.**

As for me, I was dripping with both sweat and smugness as I churned my way up it, though all the hill-dwellers would have seen was some dirtbag in a pair of freshly-cut jorts:

What they wouldn’t know is that this “dirtbag” made his jorts from a pair of high-end cycling jeans. Also, if you have an educated eye, this is clearly the bicycle of a fop, not a dirtbag:

It’s been more than a year since I took delivery of this bicycle and I still marvel at its exquisite comportment. Of course part of the reason it feels so good is because Rivendell put it together and not me, and I dread the day I actually have to replace the bar tape because there’s no way I’ll ever manage to wrap it so tidily:

Though at least I know a place where I can get some cotton bar tape at 10% off using the discount code “TAPESNOB.”

I can’t wrap, but at least I can plug.

*[Forgive me for resorting to the “lazy suburbanites who don’t walk” trope. For all I know the people on that hill walk the fuck out of it. Also, if I lived on that hill I’d probably use my car to get up and down it most of the time too.]

**[I have nothing against Pelotons. In fact my wife has a Peloton and it’s been fantastic. When she wants an intense workout she uses her Peloton, and when she just wants to ride like a normal person she uses her Rivendell. It’s an eminently sensible approach. Also, as I’ve pointed out, unlike the stationary bikes of yore people actually use Pelotons.]


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